How to Begin 101

How do I even begin?
What do I say to attempt to break the ice?
My heart makes me think twice
Our love was lost & now I'm paying the price
I just want to make things right
Fix everything that went wrong
Not have to sing to myself those sad love songs
Not have passing thoughts of you all day long
Not have my emotions take control of logistics
When I let go of us I never pictured I'd miss it
I could have never guessed that this would happen
After all I was calling the shots
I was doing what I wanted whether you liked it or not
I guess I forgot exactly how much you meant to me
Maybe deep down you knew I'd come back eventually
But now I can't even prepare myself mentally
To rekindle the thing that I think of relentlessly
Where do I start?
Trying to plan it out saddens me
I sigh at the thought of things ending tragically
I know I don't have you so I've got nothing to lose
But I know I'm not equipped to handle the bruise
You can put on my ego & even more on my heart
Its hurts all the same no matter how far apart
So how do I even get the strength to face it
My mind writes off your love but my heart won't erase it
I can try to replace it
But nothing's the same
Try to look to The Word but all I see is your name
Listen to music, I hear you in the refrain
Put my pen to the pad & you fill up the page
So how do I even formulate the words...
What do I do to work up the nerve...
My heart is aching & I want it to end
But you're the who that determines why where what & when
The one who's the catalyst, stimulus & reaction
It's you who has me in this predicament
But it's myself in my own way; not letting you in
I'm stopping myself. How can I begin?

the post kind of speaks for itself... <3

Random

So I'm sitting at my computer straight JAMMIN' to Jesse Boykins III. He is an AMAZING artist that is definitely worth everyone's attention. Take a listen & see for yourself but his music is a breath of fresh air amongst the pollution that we now call 'Mainstream". Anyway, neo soul always puts me in a writing mood & it makes me just want to write a romance novel lol. But I decided right now to use the ambiance to write a poem. My inspiration while writing is "Amourous" which is his current single and a hit record within its own right. I'm going to entitle this "I Wonder"

"I Wonder"

I wonder
I wonder if you even realize
That your smile and your eyes
Are mesmerizing
Every inch of you is tantalizing
My mind starts wandering; Fantasizing
I wonder
Do you enjoy poetry
Does a play on words whip you into a verbal frenzy
I envy
The ones who are able to get close
The ones who can see deep into the windows of your soul
And make a more practical
Synopsis
But from here my only option
Is to stand here and wonder
It's some kind of spell you got me under
That makes me only think of you
Every type of scenario seems to run through
My enthralled mind
I'm wrapped up in the vines
Of your mysterious persona
My body is restricted & unable to walk towards ya
So I'm trapped by my self inflicted interrogation
Hesitation
Engulfs me
I wonder
Where you work?
What's your style?
What you like to do?
With who?
Are you already taken?
Is my attraction blatant?
Would you be interested?
Do you have any kids?
Who are you?
As you pass me by
I wonder...

I need change

Just randomly got in the mood to write so I'm gonna freestyle something quickly. Sometimes writing is just that release you need :)

I need a change
I need to not be stuck
in the same old rutt
Longing to be different
Wanting to separate myself
Needing to do me
You know
Live my life
Not think twice
I need to do what I want
I need to not exist
I need to start living & I need to focus
Focus on the me that I see in the future
So different from me now
Yet still the same
Enhancing my persona & adding longevity to my name
Success is what I claim
Happiness is my aim
Change
Change is what needs to come of me
Looking into myself with discernment & honesty
Getting rid of the flaws that are seeming to harness me
Putting on the achievements that I'm hoping to garnish me
Making me polished
No longer do I wish
I take hold of the change that will overcome my person
The change that won't be able to fit in my purse and
The change that is far more than monetary value
The transformation that will take place so that now you
Can be even further taken aback
Unable to pinpoint the things that I lack
I'm the one who laps you & helps pick up your slack
I'm just that
The epitome of change
I'm the fruition of the dream that plays within my brain
I am a reality
Far from a fallacy
I'm the verisimilitude of all I want to be
I am what I was purposed
Change is me

I'm BAAAAAACK!

Hellooooooo Peeps! It's been ENTIRELY too long but I'm back after a serious hiatus. There isn't too much going on in my life. I'm keeping busy, staying prayerful & you KNOW I had to write a little something lol Anyway... this one speaks for itself :/ It's called: I Used To (The Blame Game)

I used to love the thought of you & me
I used to wish things could go back to how they used to be
I used to want to see your name on my caller ID
I used to think this could possibly be L -O-V-E
But all of the things I used to do
Weren't of any use to you
Even if I brought proof to you
Of all of the things you put me through
You'd still find a way to twist the truth
You'd try to make me feel guilty too
After you pick up, the Blame Game is next
That's after you forgot to respond to my text
After I brought up the topic & you moved on to the next
And you do this so often that I can't even digress
I can't even digest why you can't be direct
I need to analyze where your head is at
What are you thinking & where's your compassion
I know that you recollect exactly what happened
Were you in a clear state of mind when we disagreed
I just need some sort of an explanation please
I just can't understand why you're flipping the script
And I'm trying my hardest not to get a grip
But I can't grasp why you think your point is legit
And I'm unable to fathom why you don't want to solve this
The conflict we have; The minor obstacle we face
Instead you repeatedly try to replace
My evident discomfort with your reverse psychology
Knowing that when I upset you, it bothers me
Making me second guess myself constantly
Using my guilt to turn your flaws into fallacies
Making it appear as if I'm going crazy
But that's what you made me by avoiding the conflict
Your ingrained habits are some things I can't fix
Finetuning your attitude is one thing I won't mess with
And I surely didn't sign up to sharpen your etiquette
So rather than sit here, be angry & have a fit
I decided that I am officially over it
I know that I'm sane
You passing the blame
Is a game that adulthood won't permit me to play
I used to hope that one day you'd say the same
I used to care...
I'm just glad that things change

Chasing after You

So tonight, I had the confirmation of all confirmations. When I say that God is AMAZING, He truly is and His spirit moves uncontrollably. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go on youtube and watch a video of my school's liturgical dance team did. They danced to a song called "The Search" and the lyrics include the words, "I need Thee, Oh I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee. Where can I find You Jesus? Can I please touch those nail scarred hands..." As I watched the video I cried and this was from the MOMENT I woke up. I had a fairly light day and went to a meeting at Wake Eden and after that I went to the Youth Service at Bronx Bethany. When I tell you the message was a pure CONFIRMATION of what I've been asking of God... there's no other way to describe it. It touched on the hunger we have for Christ, how to get it, fasting & other things that just spoke directly to my spirit. As they did the altar call, they played "As The Deer" and I was certain that God had placed me in that moment and was speaking directly to me, answering what I have been asking of Him recently. I never went up to the altar that quickly and certain in my life. There was no sense of resistance, I was just spirit led. As I stood at the altar, I cried. I've been "saved" all of my life but in all of my years I have never experienced that moment in all of my life and I don't think I've ever heard God's voice in any greater clarity. I know that this is a point in my life where God is calling me to change and be totally His and as I'm at a battle with myself, I'm continually praying that my flesh be removed and His spirit take full control of my being. I'm brought to tears so quickly at the thought of His goodness and I feel Him working in ways that I've never felt before. I pray that my testimony can touch somebody and let them know that they're not alone in the battle between flesh and spirit... EVER. As I pray for everyone going through what I am, pray for me so that we might be able to commit ourselves to God and unite as a body in Christ. I encourage everyone to listen to this song, "Chasing After You" by Tye Tribbett so that we might know the attitude we NEED to have to fully dedicate our lives to Christ. The battle is not yours. It's the Lord's, so have faith & leave it in His hands.

Pulling me back...

Helloooooooooo peeps! So it's clearly been a while since I've ventured on this site and I've been being pushed to write but never felt so compelled until tonight. Today was a day of many emotions which have drawn me to call on God for several things. I just feel like as of today I was pulled in so many directions which was draining in one way but a great blessing in another because I was able to fall into a spiritual place and really start to question my personal relationship with God. But before I divulge into that topic, I should update you on my favorite subject... ME! lol
So not too long after my last post, March 17 2010... I cut off all of my hair. I had been going natural for a while and on that day I finally got fed up with worrying what everyone thought. It was a very powerful day for me because I did something major... for ME. I wasn't worried about what people would say, I didn't ask anyone's permission (but God's). I just did it for me. So on that day at around 11 at night I went into the bathroom with some scissors and my ipod, looked in the mirror, prayed, turned on some Gospel music and cut away 22 years of everyone else's expectations of me. In the end, I was so relieved and proud that I did it and that there was no turning back. I had absolutely no regrets and thank God that I was and am able to take myself as I am without worrying about what society calls me to be. Now, I'm 9 months natural and going on 5 months since I did the Big Chop and my natural hair journey has been fantastic.
As for what went on with me today, I just feel a lot of confusion but my prayer for the moment is one of revelation. I want and need God to tell me where I need to be and I feel Him doing it subtlely but I'm in need of a clear sign so that I can move forward. I hope that anyone else seeking the same thing might be helped and I pray that they can stay strong in the Lord, knowing that the answer will come at His pace and nobody else's.
Oh yeah... the new love of my life is MAKEUP. I've done a few jobs but hope to make it a LUCRATIVE hobby lol... anybody in need of an MUA for ANYTHING, check out my port at www.modelmayhem.com/leyjaemua

HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The Workout

Yay! It's Day 2 of my 30 in 30 journey. I won't be long winded but I hope you enjoy as always :-)

"The Workout"

My heart is beating out of my chest
This cardio's killing me
An inch turns into a mile with you
I'm winded but I'm pushing through
There's a lot more that I have to do
Running isn't my thing
Especially when the treadmill has me in the same place
I'm unsure of the pace that you're trying to go
I'll just take it slow
After all we're just warming up
Now it's time to tone up
But you won't pick the phone up
So 100 pound weights are left on my shoulders
Focused && determined to push past the pain
Striving for a positive end result
Sweat beads form and my muscles pulse
This is a workout
I just hope that things work out
That we both put the work in
Release some endorphins
End up happy
Healthy.
Fit.
That's why I won't quit
I'm trying to stay dedicated
During yoga I meditated
Sometimes I get frustrated
But that's what cool down is for
I take time to breathe
Let off some steam
Rest & relaxation
So my heart can stop racing
No more running after your love
I'm tired out
But it's been worth the weight
When I see your face
It's worth the wait
The end product is beautiful
My goal is met
We made progress
Us working out together is always a success.

Agape

Helloooooooooooo everyone!! So today I begin something that I've been wanting to do for a while. [30 Days of Poem/Prose] I'll be writing a piece a day and posting them all for your viewing pleasure. Shouts to Shane & Monica for joining me on this journey! We're gonna have a lot of fun. So anywhoo lol in writing this first piece, I saw it only fitting to dedicate it to the love of my life, Jesus Christ. Without Him, I know that nothing is possible and since I could speak of His love and mercy forever, the topic came sort of easy to me. So this is the first piece of many and I hope that you enjoy!

"Agape"

Thankfulness
It's what envelopes me
I'm totally
Mentally && spiritually
Focused on You
My EVERYTHING
The reason I sing
Tears brought to my eyes; The sweetest melody
Living in me
G-O-D
Gratefulness
Is what I have for Him
Cleansing me from within
Loving me [despite my sin]
Unconditionally
I don't deserve all the blessings He continually
Bestows upon me
A lowly Human doing wrong daily
But He steadily gives me chance after chance
&& I take any opportunity to praise His name
Faithfulness
Is all He asks of me
The least I can do
Is try to walk like You
Talk like You
Live in You
I long to be filled with Your spirit
Your grace is sufficient
Only You can make me feel this way
So I pray
With Steadfastness
Seeking Your face to be in Your presence
I want to feel You
A never ending euphoria
Filled with the glory of
The King of Kings
Jehovah Jairah-- My SOLE Provider
I'm NOTHING without You
Brokeness
Knowing that I can call on You
In the darkest of hours
All praise, honor && power
Belongs to MY God
My Staff && My Rod
The Solid Rock on which I stand
The very Beginning and the ONLY End
The time I spend with Him is incomparable
Through Him all things are possible
I'm a witness to what He can do
Striving to be more like His Son
Bowing down in amazement at all He has done
Righteousness
I need it to live eternally
Walking with Thee
By Your bleeding side
Where no pain resides
Milk && honey sounds great to me
I can't && I won't wait to be
Saved by Your grace & washed in His blood
Forever grateful to know the greatest love
Agape.

d-_-b "Calling My Name" by Hezekiah Walker

Defining Blackness

In honor of Black HIstory Month I wanted to share this with all of you. It's pretty lengthy but I think what you'll take from this piece will be rewarding. In this month, please learn to appreciate your blackness and pay homage to those who paved the way.

Black: A True Definition

Black
A word which seemingly needs no clarity
Define black.
Aside from the limitless darkness of its being
Forgetting its opposition to seek any light
Not one ray is shed from its existence
However, feelings continually emanate
Gloom and hostility poor from an unsighted catharsis
Resembling the furthest image from that which is white
Straying away from the similitude of innocence
Never crossing paths with characteristics of purity
The color of mourning, worn with sadness
Its coat covering the evil which dwells in the night
Chock-full of Good Friday's murky aura
Marked with anger and deep seeded distaste
Drowning with calamitous defeat and connotations
Black Friday, Black Hole, Black Propaganda
The sound of black leaves one feeling tainted
Soiled and polluted; left with no hope
Cleanliness seems to be only a figment of the black imagination
As futures look dark with no optimism
Society's perspective of this achromatic color appears grim
Black is presented as hopelessness
Black is full of misunderstanding
With the economy on the borderline of inadequate
Classism runs rampant
Racism runs alongside; fingers laced
In the midst of the darkest and coldest nights
Masked in blackness
Hiding from societal glares
Avoiding the heads that bow and shake in shame
Deliberately misleading
Black Propaganda
Define propaganda.
Influencing the behaviors and opinions of the people
Using logical fallacies
Lacking validity
But where truth lacks, there Black Art fills in
Reaching back to the darkest roots from which it stems
Blending the culture of Africa with that of our present place
Bringing America to life
Du Bois' double consciousness spreading uncontrollably
Coloring art with diversity and depth
Extending the hand of the present into the dark past
Bringing forth a bright and vibrant finished product
Forgetting the ideas of promotion and notoriety
Simply to place advocacy at center stage
Past the heavy velvet curtains of black derisory
Clouded with the dust of a sinister history
The Harlem Renaissance speaking to Black art's existence
Langston Hughes proves not to be the only one
Who too can Sing, America
The refusal to step in brightly lit footsteps
Pushing away from the path lined with acceptance
Declining to consume artistic expression
With the shiniest of silver spoons
Artists' who socially stemmed from darkness
Blazing paths and breaking molds
Speaking from experience and drawing from their souls
Are you not entertained?!
Well, entertainment is far from a priority
The minstrel shows are officially over
Making way for a rebirth of image
Rebirth of image
A new appreciation for art
A greater appreciation for self
All in the works to beat the hopelessness
Carried on the backs of a great ancestry
As blacks continued to climb up the racial mountain
A stumbling block in desperate need of removal
Utilizing the strokes against a wet canvas
Seeing potency in the ink which ran across the poet's pad
Acting as an informant for the Black community
Instilling the pride which had once been lost
Left behind on the soils of Sierra Leone
Listless souls shackled and chains
Locked in the darkness of wood bottom ships
Hopes and Dreams held prisoner
Until the ashes of self-love blew over the oceans
Landing on the corner of 131st and 5th
Reclaimed by the artistic voyage
Birthed from a womb of darkness
Hokum? Hogwash? Humbug?
Juxtaposing cultures as though they are identical
Schuyler's voice screams that it's all the same
But not with the sweat, the bloodshed and the pain
When each piece holds parts of stories untold
Burned with the ashes of fiery crosses
Healed with the lashings left from bloodied whips
Memories are excavated from a dirt covered road
Winding through a forest of discovery
No more passing
Standing true to the culture claimed
The art work created
Standing as a testament despite the darkness
Saying no to invisibility
After being hidden for eons
The darkness finally comes to light
Ten times the black to be "exclusively" white
Trying so hard to change the perception
Conformity is unacceptable
Working towards the truest from of visibility
As black is plowing towards approval
And though civilization is blind amidst the darkness
Cast upon the people by "the people"
Definitive norm people
Politically correct people
Darkness fights injustice every waking moment
To break away from the manacles of ambiguity
Creating a concrete progression
Finding what is truly beautiful
Black aesthetic
Define aesthetic.
As writing is used to demonstrate to a jaded society
Which parts of black art are of good taste
Allowing people to appreciate the realness
The beauty which can only be reflected in such obscurity
The soulful sounds of jazz
The beating of the conga drum
Sounds bursting with originality
Acting as inspiration to a never-ending chain
The classic sounds of Billie Holiday
"Good Morning Heartache"
Art crying out to be recognized
Wanting to feel as though it belongs
Striving to reach the pedestal on which clarity stood
Each note ringing out just shy of transparency
Never straying away from blackness
Only to prove that this aesthetic is apparent
Paving the way for the Afrika Bambaataa's
Turning the tables and uplifting the streets
Drawing art from poverty
Providing an escape from economic suffering
Utilizing the beat from wooden speakers
To speak to the masses
Allowing a New Aesthetic to show its face
Messages passed through the rhythmic sounds
Of the Run D.M.C.'s
A true form of poetry
Catchy tunes catching the attention
Of the greater audience
A people in desperate need of listening
Attempting to gain a better understanding
Beats leading the masses in a sector of darkness
Out of the night that covers me
Blinding both the He's and She's
Blurring the lines that give way to Sexism
Black Feminist
Define feminist.
Women liberated
Not constricted by the
Fighting to salvage the rights of the sisters
Mothers, aunts, daughters, friends
Craving equality
Art acting as a stepping stone
To sit beside The Black Aesthetic
Feeling the additions to an already present struggle
The weight of a burden twice as heavy
African American
African American Woman
Searching for a true identity in darkness
Left without light to look for a promising answer
Working twice as hard to gain the same respect
Two strikes against the black women of the world
Fighting off the stereotypes fabricated by society
Battling with class, race and sexuality
Black Queer
Define queer.
In the same binary battle
Deviating from what is generally expected
Putting society in an awkward position
As civilization sits underneath a warm lamp
Interrogated as gay men are expected to frolic
Without no flamboyance
Lives no homosexuality
Art is placed to prove them otherwise
Forcing issues out of the shade
Bringing awareness
Holding on to things irreplaceable
Snapping society into a verbal frenzy
Fitting into a world which appears unknown
A world which is black
Blackness
Define Blackness.
A plethora of opinions
Indescribable
Pictured as an issue of ambiguity
Most often times misunderstood
But never in darkness
Blackness is Blackness
Black needs no definition

Outta my system

What do I do?

Where do I move?

Where do I go?

I don't know what direction I'm headed in

Lost

Unfocused

Tryna get back

Yet still tryna move forward

In this progression

I learned a few lessons

I feel like digressing

All because we're regressing

Stressing

Contemplating

Thinking of you

Confused is what I'm feeling

But I know something needs healing

And I'm dealing with all different sorts of emotions

Part of me's hopeless

I don't want to devote this much time

My pride has me saying forget it

But something deeper won't let it

Something greater is pushing me

I don't know my driving force

But the course I want to take

seems rocky and foreign

But instead of just storing things all inside

I'm gonna swallow my pride

Put things aside

And do what's right

Once I figure out how to go about it

There's no way around it

All I ever think about is...

New Fave Song!!!

So... IDK if it's the mushy gushy-ness in me... but I have a new favorite song which is on loop as we speak. Chrisette Michelle, "All I Ever Think About" is definitely a fave! I think this is a song where you can feel the true emotion and it's so relatable. I know that everyone has had at least that one that couldn't escape their thoughts. I guess that's why being in love is so difficult for a lot of people. Despite you trying your hardest, emotions are uncontrollable For people who NEED that control... love poses that very problem. This could be one of the reasons we see such a lack of commitment these days... people are afraid to take a chance... which sucks! I don't think we can get very far in life without taking certain leaps and bounds. Often times we need to go out on a limb for the things that are of great importance to us. Despite some people acting as if they don't need love... it's one of the main reasons we were made... "to love and be loved." We can cover up our desire to love all that we want... by casual sex, hurting other people, infidelity, etc. I just think these are tactics to escape the reality of the situation. This leads me to the song. I love how Chrisette is so bold about the fact that she can't get this dude out of her mind and EMBRACES it. Love is a beautiful thing and definitely something I can't wait to find. IDK why people are so afraid of the real thing... The false ones are what make us so fearful, but I don't think that should stand as a obstacle between us and obtaining the real love we all deserve. Of course, it doesn't take LOVE to feel the way she expresses in this song but strong feelings are kind of a requirement. I just love the realness and can completely feel where she's coming from. It's a bittersweet feeling because in thinking about the good... u can also be thinking about the bad... ALL DAY lol... all in all I still think that for someone to run through your mind that uncontrollably is so powerful and warms my spirit. I wonder if I ever ran through anyone's mind like that... to the point they couldn't focus... do their work, etc. Such a crazy thought but all in all... I FEEL YOU CHRISETTE! PLUS she sang her heart out on that one lol... Take a listen if you can and don't be afraid to love someone =)

It Kills Me...

Hey People!!! It's been entirely toooooo long! It's my first post of the new year so I'm hoping that as the year progresses, so does this blog and so does my writing. My growth as a person is tremendously important and alongside that, I'm hoping that God strengthens all of the positive relationships that are present in my life. I've been in a bit of a funk but I've been getting past it. Anywho, I recently just listened in on 3 really great albums! Melanie Fiona, Chrisette Michelle and Rihanna have been in heavy ro and all three have been contributing to the emotions I've been feeling recently. I feel sort of jumbled, contorted and down right confused with a lot of situations I have to deal with but of course... my faith in God has been the support I need. Of course, I feel the need to write so I'm gonna go ahead and let whatever comes to me transfer from my fingertips to your screen =)

Say It.

I just need you to say what you mean.

My inability to read minds

Has me clinging to every word that leaves your lips

Squinting to see what might be left between the lines

Looking for anything

A clue.

Some hint.

I need an inkling of emotion

A snippet of some feelings

I want some truth to how you're feeling

Wholeheartedly just let me know

And I know.

I hold back.

Clam up.

Introverted... that's me

But every fiber of my body

Is pushing through

I'm trying to get to you

Leaving vacancy

Where honesty

Used to hide

I'm giving you me

Piece by piece

Unveiling all that my heart allows

and some...

I'm trusting you with me

So where's the reciprocity?

The ambiguity

It kills me...

I don't wanna play a guessing game

No doubts in my mind

Just the communication I want

The clarity I deserve

The love that I need

Allow me to see

Where we could go

How strong we can grow

We'll never know

Unless we take a chance

So hold my hand

Look in my eyes

I promise to follow suit

I'll give my all to get me & you